California Costume List

"This is too easy."

It’s Halloween! October 31 actually happens to be one of my favorite holidays of the year basically because you can act like a total jackass, but no one will know who you are because of the wolf mask covering your face. That is sweet. Halloween also happens to be a popular holiday with athletes too, mainly because it’s the one day where they can dress like women, Peter Pan, or a hair stylist and not have questions raised about them being gay. (I’m looking at you Jeff Garcia, even though you have an insanely hot wife. You bastard.) Fortunately for us at TPIC, we, along with every other single sports blog imaginable, have obtained the costume list of many different sports figures here in CA. So get drunk, eat some candy corn, kick back, and have fun on the spookiest day of the year!

The super secret costume list for 2007:

Kobe Bryant – A Chicago Bull
Chris Kaman – Geico Caveman
Mike Nolan – A Hot Seat
Lorenzo Mata – The count from Sesame Street (doesn’t really need a costume though)
Jordan Farmar – Lurch from The Adams Family
Baron Davis – Jesus
Stephen Jackson – The Devil
Ron Artest – Eazy – E
Brad Miller – John Brown from The White Rapper Show
Mike Bibby – Mini Me
Alex Smith – Jim Drunkenmiller
Barry Zito – Bam Margera
Joe Thorton – Middle Finger (facing Boston)
Matt Leinart – Tom Brady w/ his illegitimate child minus Tom Brady’s skill
Marshawn Lynch – Emergency Injury Cart Driver
Norv Turner – Al Gore
Jean Sebastien Giguere – Brick Wall
Phillip Rivers – Ryan Leaf
Barry Bonds – The Hulk
Brook Lopez – Robin Lopez
Robin Lopez – Brook Lopez
Al Davis – Los Angeles Raider
Daunte Culpepper – Kordell Stewart
Luis Castillo – WWE’s Batista
Josh McCown – Brian Astin Green
Andris Biedrins – Romance from I Love New York

The Fremont A's, Part Deux

Earlier I had made a satirical post on how fans of the Oakland A's living in Fremont would react if their beloved team was to move from Oakland to Fremont. The post itself was supposed to poke fun at the young millionaires that inhabit the South Bay Area by setting up a mock interview with an imaginary, very douchey, dot com millionaire. Although the post had its moments, with all its bluetooth and Porsche jokes, the majority of it just didn't make much sense. For starters, imagined the interviewee spoke with an accent reminiscent of Monopoly's Uncle Pennybags. It was a catastrophe, and after reviewing it, I decided to toss it into the fiery depths of blog hell.

However, I still wanted to address the issue of the A's big move since it was ESPN newsworthy. At first, I thought it'd be weird to see the Oakland A's not play in Oakland, but then the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. My simple thought process is this: I've been to both AT&T Park and McAfee Coliseum. To compare the two is like comparing the Taj Mahal and downtown Radio Shack. AT&T Park is much more interesting than McAfee, and that is a grave understatement. I'm sure though that the new stadium in Fremont is going to be a major improvement. My stereotype that people in Fremont are young and rich is not unjustified. The south bay has the money to make the new stadium awe to the some. Imagine all the cool shit that they might put in there. Rumor has it the stadium will have software in your seat so that you can order garlic fries. How freakin' cool is that? The tech paradise known as Silicon Valley will fund this place no doubt. And that's only the beginning. In twenty years, the stadium in Fremont will be the first stadium to have cyborgs shooting t-shirts into the crowd via arm cannon (as long as they don't go all Terminator – Skynet on us, that would suck ass).

A ton of money will be made from web funded advertising, too. Dot com companies will be filling the place with ads before their company inevitably goes bankrupt two weeks after their creation. Even the more established web companies will be promoting their sites, like eBay and Youtube, for example. With their presence being felt at the new stadium, you could probably log on to eBay while at the game, and sell the homerun you just caught five minutes ago. Or you can upload that video you just made of you running onto the field on Youtube seconds before you get maced and arrested by the cops. Genius!

So in the end, some may see the move out of Oakland as a bad thing, but these people just don't see the big picture. And the cyborgs.

One Californian Feels the Sting From the Bo Sox Win

"Spiderman was already an asshole before the black suit"

Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox on their 2007 World Series win. The Sox came back from… wait a minute. Congratulations? No, wait. Actually, fuck them. Yeah, that’s right. Fuck. That. Shit.

There is nothing worse than watching EVERY single California school lose in college football (UCLA to Wazzu?!?! WTF?!). Oh, wait, actually there is. Try watching every single California team losing while a bunch of drunk, asshole, poser Red Sox fans are chanting “let’s get SAWCKS!” as their team kills the Rockies. It’s like pouring salt in a wound. Oh, wait, that’s too classy to describe the Bo Sox contingent. It’s like kicking a one testicled man in the groin. That’s better.

The worst part was that it was Halloween night Saturday night, so I had to see the indignant sight of a guy in a Spiderman costume run around saying, “Sox rules! California sucks. Fuck ‘da A’s.” You know what sir, fuck you. Thanks to you, asshole, the image of my childhood hero has been soiled by your thick Bostonian accent and your lack of sobriety or public education. Who am I going to turn to for nostalgia now? Captain Planet? He was cool with his green hair and leotard, but forget that. That South American kid who had that heart power was a pussy anyway.

The Boston sports community has worn out their welcome. Oh, you think that the whole breaking the curse thing is still cute? Well guess what, it’s not anymore. That was three long years ago. A lot has happened in that time. Peyton finally won a Super Bowl, Florida became dual champions, and this guy made a summer hit. You know what else happened, though? The percentage of douchebags solidifying their douchy status has increased by 500 percent. How did this happen, you ask? Easy, they all started wearing Red Sox caps. Every time you walk into a bar, there’s pretty much a guarantee that there’s going to be “that guy.” You know what I mean. The one wearing a pink, pop collared, polo shirt, along with khakis or cargo shorts, and either sandals or k-swisses. They walk around thinking everyone is their “brah” and probably have a pair of sunglasses clipped onto their shirt even though it’s 11 pm and raining like a mother. You know what the icing on the cake is? They’re wearing a Red Sox cap. I’m not sure that the Red Sox knew that by winning the 2004 World Series, they would multiply the douchebag population overnight, but they did. Thanks a lot, dipshits.

Now, I have to admit, I am, at heart, rooting for the Patriots three reasons. One, Tom Brady is a classy guy (minus the whole illegitimate child thing) and always carries himself with respect on the football field. Two, I’d like nothing more than to see Peyton’s scrunchy, crybaby face go to new levels when Brady breaks his record, and most importantly, Brady’s single handedly carrying my fantasy team. However, there is one characteristic that is Brady’s kryptonite; he has the Asses from the Masses cheering him on. Fuck! It’s like finding out your favorite super hero is a registered sex offender, or a drunk asshole from Boston.

This isn’t the only time that Boston has been a thorn in California’s side. There have been many instances where the Boston area has sucker punched us in the gut. There were the old Celtic – Laker rivalries, though it was entertaining to see Magic and Bird duke it out. The Bo Sox have ended the A’s playoff hopes many times. And there was that whole “tuck rule” thing (which I like to call the Oakland riot starter). The small experience I had this weekend just adds to the list. Maybe next week the state of Massachusetts will just come and take a crap on Monster Park and then give each other high fives when it’s over.

So to sum it all up, all I need are three words: Boston Sucks Ass. Fortunately, the state of Florida will feel our pain when the Patriots go 16 and 0 while Cheaty McCheater and his band of merry men piss all over the ’72 Dolphins. He’ll probably tell his coordinators to film that too.

What Ankle?

Yesterday during the game between the 49ers and the New York Giants, Frank suffered an ankle sprain. It looked like he was going to be out for the game, but they taped that sucker up Kurt Warner style and he continue to carry the rock. Later, Gore explained that even though his ankle was injured, he was able to continue playing “on pure adrenaline.” Wow. That’s all I have to say. Wow. It’s one thing to play through pain, it’s another to play while a piece of medical tape is holding up your tattered ankle together. Hopefully he meant natural adrenaline, and not “Any Given Sunday” type adrenaline. Unfortunetly, it seems that Gore didn't have any to spare to Alex Smith, since Smith was still on the sidelines while Trent Dilfer continued his day job of losing games for NFL teams.

According to Smith:
"It's disappointing. I've been with this team for a while now, and to see another guy in your huddle, it's a strange feeling."

It must even be more disappointing seeing that the guy in the huddle is Dilfer. It’s okay Alex, you’ll get used to that feeling once the Shaun Hill Era begins.

Sharks Win!! Bay Area Sports Fans Still Bitch About Raiders

"He's coming down your chimney to steal your ps3, bitch"

In the midst of all the craptacular showings of late from Bay Area sports teams, there is one team that is giving us in the Yay a little hope: The San Jose Sharks. With their 4-1 victory over Calgary, the Sharks have earned their first win streak. That's great news for all of the downtrodden fans in Nor Cal looking for a glimmer of hope. There's only one problem: the Sharks play hockey. Now, I'm not saying that hockey isn't a great sport. In fact, it's a fantastic sport. Where else can I watch a sport where fighting is totally legal? The UFC, you say. Fuck that. When the UFC decides to change the octagon into an icy ring of death, let me know. It's just that no one watches.

ESPN even puts golf coverage over hockey, and trust me, golf is not interesting. The only way golf can be exciting is if Adam Sandler storms the field, gets his ass handed to him by Bob Barker, and starts yelling a bunch of "Shoobidy Doos!" People who say they like to watch golf just think they're better than everyone else because they watch a rich man's sport. Big fuckin' deal, you have cable and actually waste your time watching guys hit balls with sticks. They're not even on steroids! What fun is that?

But back to hockey...

Even here in the bay, most people haven't caught on. To people not from San Jose, the Sharks are like 30 Rock. People know they exist, but know one really gives a shit to actually watch them. Even now, as I was writing this post, I thought is anyone even going to view this blog once they see the SJ Sharkie? SJ Sharkie fuckin' rules by the way. Best mascot ever.

But then I thought, why not? The Sharks are doing good, why not support them? Like, hockey, TPIC doesn't get many viewers either, so the Sharks will feel right at home. Huzzah!


(Special kudos to Milan Michalek who leads the team with 4 goals in the season. Yeah, I didn't know who the hell he was either until this post)

Kings Beat Dallas in Staples Center, Take That Kobe

"What does this have to do the hockey? Does it matter?"

With all the pussy footing going on with Kobe Bryant’s trade situation, it’s easy to overlook that other team that plays in the Staples Center. No, I’m not talking about the Clippers (the only people that care about them is Frankie Muniz and LA fans who think its “cool” to be non conformist and root for a team that has a great tradition of being shitty). The team I’m actually talking about is the LA Kings.

For a long time, the Dallas Stars had a strong control over the Kings. The Kings were their whipping boy, the Teller to their Penn if you may. However, the LA Kings ended the nine game win streak Dallas had over them thanks to the heroics of Alexander Frolov. I could list more useless stats like shots on goal, save percentage, etc etc, but that’s what a real sports website like ESPN.com does. Stacy Keibler also attended the game, which means, for the purposes of this article only of course, I can add a gratuitous photo of her.

With that win, the Kings now move up in the standings past Dallas and Anaheim. Too bad, Ducks, maybe if you changed your name to the Los Angeles Mighty Ducks of Anaheim you could share the success, but that would just sound retarded. Being a team based of a Disney movie is silly enough, don’t add insult to injury.

Now LA can yell one collective “Fuck Yeah!” before LA yells a collective “Fuck No!” once Kobe gets traded.

Saints vs Niners, The Drinking Game

“Because something has to make this game interesting”

The other day, while hanging out with the party people, my friend was inquiring me about tickets to the 49ers game this weekend. I found this rather odd though, because I knew she wasn’t a Niners fan, so I asked her why she was asking. She told me that they were playing the Saints. Like the bad friend I am, I completely forgot that she was a die hard Saints fan, something of a rarity for Californians, and probably a rarity for anywhere outside of Louisiana.

Later on in the week, she told me that tickets were selling pretty high on Craigslist. That kind of sucked, but I thought she could still enjoy the game with an old buddy I call booze. Ahhh sweet, sweet beer, you make everything so much enjoyable. (Even Carlos Mencia!) Thus, for those of you planning to get hammered while watching the game, here are some drinking games that might enhance your experience:

WR Drop Challenge:
Choose a drinking partner whose rooting for the opposite team. Once you found your opponent, choose a WR from their team to be their representative, and they’ll choose a WR from your team. Every time your representative drops the ball, that’s a drink/shot.

Shots of the Golden Gate, Bay Bridge:
Every time you see a shot of the Golden Gate from the Goodyear Blimp, take a drink. Every time you see a shot of the Bay Bridge, take two. (This probably won’t happen often because the Bay Bridge is one ugly bridge and no one wants to see it).

Yards Gained Over Under:
Have a moderator choose a random number from one to number of yards to the goal. Have someone pick if the yards gained on the next offensive play is over or under that number, and if they’re wrong, that’s a drink.

Rough Start:
Every time a commentator remarks about the Saint’s 0-4 start, that’s a drink. Prepare to get hammered on this game.

After the Game Round Up:
The losing fans have to take drinks according the stats of the winning team. Establish something at the beginning like every 200 pass yds is a drink, every TD is a drink, and every INT is a drink. Thus, if the Niners win and Alex Smith had 400 yds (only in dreams), 1 TD pass, and 1 INT, Saints fans would have 4 drinks per the system established earlier. If you’re really confident in your team, set something outrageous, like 1 TD is 5 drinks. (Though if you lose, you’re extremely screwed).

Well there you have it! KC Cal will be on hiatus over the weekend, but there may be some new bloggers joining us, so keep your eyes peeled for new posts the next few days.

Cal, Know Your Opponent: ASU

“What people don’t know is that the ASU Sun Devil also has stints on To Catch a Predator”

Since two ranked California colleges (#18 Cal, #12 USC) are playing two ranked teams (#7 Arizona St, #5 Oregon), TPIC presents to you the second presentation of “Know Your Opponent”:

Team Name:
Arizona State Sun Devils
From:
Tempe, AZ
Mascot Name:
Sparky
Reminds Me Of:
Mario in a devil costume, possibly drag
Current Rank:
#7 AP Polls, #4 BCS Polls, #1 Overrated-ness Polls
ESPN Thinks They’re Undefeated Because:
Coach Dennis Erickson has a history of guiding college teams to the top
I Think They’re Undefeated Because:
Satan
ASU Football Rival:
Arizona Wildcats
Actual ASU Football Rivals:
God, Andrew Walter as a Raider, The shadow of their baseball team
Greatest Movie Made Set at ASU:
Big Shot: Confessions of a College Bookie

ASU Football Players To Be Proud Of:
Pat Tillman

…. This Guy Not So Much

USC, Know Your Opponent: Oregon

Since two ranked California colleges (#18 Cal, #12 USC) are playing two ranked teams (#7 Arizona St, #5 Oregon), TPIC presents to you this first in a double pack presentation of “Know Your Opponent”:

Team Name:
Oregon Ducks

From:

Eugene, Oregon

Things to do in Eugene:

County fairs, symphonies, white people

Little Known Eugene Fact:

They actually have an Asian Celebration (I kid you not)

Coach:

Mike Bellotti (101-49)

Real Coach:

Emilio Estevez as Gordon Bombay

If Dennis Dixon was a Mighty Duck he would be:

Jesse Hall, not because he’s black, but because Jesse Hall was a bad ass, and black.

Known as:

The school with the Pac-10’s highest points per game average.

Actually known as:

That school where Joey Harrington WASN’T a fuck up.

Uniforms supposed to remind you of:

Cutting edge design

Uniforms actually remind you of:

Roadkill

Things Made Famous by Oregon Alumni:

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - Ken Kesey

Things Made Infamous by Oregon Alumni:

The Whizzinator – Onterrio Smith

Day 2, Reformatting Already

"All I need now are drunk bears in the background"

The site known as blameitonayoob.blogspot.com has now changed to http://theplayinca.blogspot.com/. I realized that by writing only about the Calbears, my topic range only is limited to Tedford, Hawkins, and other Cal athletes, who are (let's face it), not very exciting. Where is a drunken Steve Levy barfight when you need one? Therefore, this blog will now expand to sports topics within the great state of California with an occasional out of California sport topic (ie the Tom Brady post made earlier). There will probably be a higher emphasis on the Bay Area though for, well, geographic reasons really. If I can find a so cal blogger, that'd be greeeeeaaat. There's plenty to talk about in the Bay though, especially with all the shitty teams out there right now (Niners, Raiders, etc). Plus, we're all waiting for Ashley Lelie's Kevin Barlow impression ("I am not a bust!").

The Adventures of Angry Marty Schottenheimer, Episode 1: Norv!!!!

When Chris Mortensen asked me how it felt to be let go by San Diego, I wanted to punch him in the face. How do you think I felt Chris, you dumb piece of shit? I’m not mad at all. Of course I’m fine with the Chargers firing me after I got them a franchise record of 14 wins! I’m quite dandy, asshole.

I can’t believe I got fired. I only lost two freakin’ games and I did it with Phillip Rivers as my quarterback! And what thanks do I get? A pink slip! What do they want me to do? Go a perfect 16-0? The word on the street was that the Chargers thought I couldn’t win the big one. I tried to remind them that I did have 5 post season wins, but they kept telling me to stop living in the past. What a bunch of jabronis.

Others say it was because I tried to get my little bro, Kurt, to join San Diego as the defensive coordinator. I really don’t see what the big deal with that was. What’s better than one Schottenheimer? Two! By theory, with two Schottenheimers, the Chargers productivity would double! That means we would cut our losses, turning those two L’s into one. That would have been another franchise record! You had your chance to become 15-1, Dean, and now you blew it, you dipshit. Our playoff productivity probably would have doubled too. That loss to the Patriots was only half a loss because Cheaty McCheater probably stole our plays. Plus my boy LaDainian thought they were classless with their little poofy victory dance on our field, and when LT thinks you have no class, then you gain a loss as a human being. Since that game was half a win, with Schottenheimer x 2, it would have been a full win. I’m pretty sure after that we would have made it to the Super Bowl, because there’s no way that Peyton could have dodged Shawne Merriman’s steroid pumped ass. You lost your chance for glory, Dean, you lost your chance!

The worst part of it was who they hired instead. When you think of people who can replace Old Marty here, you think of coaching legends. I was expecting Jimmy Johnson, Bill Parcells, hell may you would even bring Vince Lombardi back from the dead. But nooooooooo, you replace me with Norv Turner. Norv, fucking, Turner! So let me get this straight, you decide to replace me, a guy with 200 wins and has coached in 18 playoff games, with that sack of shit?! His winning percentage is less than 0.500 and he’s coached in a whopping 2 playoff games. Two! I can coach two playoff games while taking a dump on the crapper.

Norv Turner isn’t even cool. I’m cool. I’m so cool that Eminem even referenced me in one of his songs. Have any rappers referenced Norv in their rhymes? I think not! Not like Norv rhymes with anything anyway. You know what Marty rhymes with? Party. I could even make my name more urban, like Mar-Tay. It would still rhyme with Par-Tay. Man I am a genius, on and off the field!

When they started 1-3 though, I had to admit I was pretty happy. The fans started to cheer my name, and it looked like the big M would have another chance at glory. But then something horrible happened, they started winning. Damnit! How could they do that me? The worst part is that turd muncher Norv is now getting all the credit for the team that I built! Was he the one who developed LT? Was he the one who saw potential in Antonio Gates? Was he the one who told Luis Castillo to juice up? No! But now, since they won two measly games, ESPN and Sports Illustrated are licking his scrotum. May I remind you that he ran the Redskins AND the Raiders into the ground? Why doesn’t anyone remember?

Oh well, I guess I really should stop living in the past. There’s always going to be opportunities in the future. Maybe they’ll axe Marvin Lewis soon and I can coach the Bengals. So have your fun now Norv, but mark my words, Marty Ball will be back one day, with a vengeance!

(TPIC also would like to offer their condolences to those down in San Diego who are dealing with the horrible fires. Fight the good fight San Diego, we hope you pull through)

Cal Loses, Settles For Who The Hell Cares Bowl

After reflecting on the college football year thus far, I decided to make a Cal-Bay Area-Whatever Team I Decide to Bandwagon On (I'm looking at you New England) Sports blog. Please note, this blog is not going to be a Tedford praise whoring session or a "SHIT WE LOST THE GAME" type of deal. Also notice how when I type in CAPS, it makes me looking like I'm every run of the mill, doesn't know anything about college sports jackass Cal Football Fan. Instead, this is just going to be a little blog about my thoughts on the sports world, with an emphasis on sports here in the bay area, and of course my Kansas City Chiefs. Don't come here looking for any valid insight into life. In fact, you'll probably be dumber after visiting here.

So yeah, we lost, and to be honest, we shouldn't really be disappointed anyway. Not because UCLA played a good game and we should be fine with the fact that the better team won. That's weak shit. If you're a fan of a sport, then sportsmanship does not apply to you. So you say the 49ers have a terrible offense right now? Well I say fuck you! Alex Smith is a football god (really though, he's a god awful passer).

The real reason we shouldn't be disappointed is because we're just a tad bit overrated. Not saying we're no good, just saying we're not THAT good. Even before our losses, every time I looked at the polls and saw that little #2 next to our team, I felt a little dirty. We seemed kind of like that guy in high school you who threw that winning touchdown with only a few seconds left..... but that's pretty much the only thing worth while he did. Now that same guy is the drunk neighbor whose only line is .."damn, I remember when I threw that touchdown...". Kind of like Cal now, the only difference we mutter "I remember when we were #2 and beat Oregon..." (though, just like that guy, we're probably are or wish we were drunk).

The funny thing though is that Cal fans love to play the blame game. People seem to think that it was Longshore's fault we lost, but the dude played with a jacked up ankle. The guy is a G. Let's see all you assholes do that. Probably get knocked out the first play, and while you're getting carted off the field, Longshore can come over and tell you how much you suck, and complain about that fumble you had while getting knocked out, and talk about how much you have caused the team to suck by getting the knocked out. Might as well throw a football in your face while he has the opportunity.

He might have thrown that pick in the end, but even at that point, I don't think we would have made the field goal. Last time I checked, Kay, missed one before half time. Though I would rather lose by missed field goal than INT because it's easier to blame it on the kicker than the QB. Adam Sandler even made
a song about it:

All in all, I just don't think we were that good to begin with. We beat Tennessee, but they also got blasted by Bama. We beat Oregon, but maybe we were THEIR Oregon St. There's still the USC game to look forward to. It'll be the battle for that other bowl that's not the Rose Bowl or Holiday Bowl. Awesome! (I don't even know if I'm being sarcastic about that).



So, blame it on Riley, blame it on Longshore, but what I want to know is where the fuck is this guy?










At least if he was still on the team, we would have a scapegoat that everyone can agree on.