"Yeahhhhhhhh baby."
Phillip Rivers: When I found out that I was receiving the douchebag award from The Play in CA, I was thrilled. It takes a lot of time, practice, and Axe spray for a guy to reach such a high level of douchiness. There's just so many douches out there in the world that it's sometimes hard to stand out as douche numero uno. I should know because I live near LA.
There's a lot of people on my list that I need to thank who help me become the douche that I am today. First, I would like to start off with Mystery, who made me realized that I should not be embarrassed by my douchiness, but rather, I should embrace it for what it's worth. Some people, aka loser assholes who go on Youtube and bitch about how they're great at Guitar Hero, think that being a douche is a bad thing. I myself was ashamed that I was a douche, so ashamed that I kept it in the closet, but now, thanks to you Mystery, no longer will I hide what I am. Thanks man! I'll buy you an Appletini later, man.
Mystery: No problem Phil! After the Appletini, let's be sure to open some sets in order for us to show that we are the alpha males around here. It'll get us some poon for sure.
PR: Fa sho! Next up, I would like to thank North Carolina State. This is the school where my ripe mind was transformed from your mild mannered, jock douche, into a full blown, ass tappin super douche. If it wasn't for the good old NCST, I don't think I could have ever received this award. There, I was able to focus on bringing out the inner douche within. I guess it was the people there, really, that allowed me to do this. After all, when I started at NC St, I was a little fish in a big pond, competing with mega douches from all around the country. If I wanted to be the king of kings in that doucheland, I had to step up my game. Thankfully, I did. So here's one to you Wolfpack Nation!
Wolfpack Nation: Yeah! We love you too, Phil!
PR: Next on my list are the Jacksonville Jaguars. Thanks for handily whooping our asses. I mean, if I had thrown 3 TD passes and no INT's, would I have gotten this award? I think not! Thanks to your stifling defense, I really sucked ass, which in turn gave me the opportunity to receive this awesome accolade. Thanks!
Jags: No problem, Phil. Anytime you need us to deliver another smackdown on your candy ass, just call us. We'll be there. God bless you, man.
PR: No Problem, and God bless you too! Finally, there is one more person left on my list that I need to thank. We've had our ups and downs, but he still has a special place in my heart. LaDanian, come up here and accept this award with me!
LT: Nah man, I'm cool.
PR: No man, don't worry, it's cool! Security said they'll let you come up. Don't be shy!
LT: Nah man, really, it's cool.
PR: Aww c'mon, LT! Just come up! I thought we were like this. (crosses fingers)
LT: Nah man, we ain't. I'm just gonna get myself up out of here now. (Leaves)
PR: Hey man! What are you doing?!?! YOU DON'T WALK AWAY FROM PHILLIP RIVERS. NO ONE DOES. COME BACK HERE I SAY! COME BACK!
Audience looks shocked.
PR: Oh, my bad guys. It's just been a pretty crazy week. My future plans include building up my douchiness to super levels. Maybe I can even make it to Zach Braff status. But yeah, that concludes my speech. I'd just like to thank everyone who supported me and if I didn't call out your name, then just know you still have a place in my heart. Except LT, that guy is a total douche.
There's a lot of people on my list that I need to thank who help me become the douche that I am today. First, I would like to start off with Mystery, who made me realized that I should not be embarrassed by my douchiness, but rather, I should embrace it for what it's worth. Some people, aka loser assholes who go on Youtube and bitch about how they're great at Guitar Hero, think that being a douche is a bad thing. I myself was ashamed that I was a douche, so ashamed that I kept it in the closet, but now, thanks to you Mystery, no longer will I hide what I am. Thanks man! I'll buy you an Appletini later, man.
Mystery: No problem Phil! After the Appletini, let's be sure to open some sets in order for us to show that we are the alpha males around here. It'll get us some poon for sure.
PR: Fa sho! Next up, I would like to thank North Carolina State. This is the school where my ripe mind was transformed from your mild mannered, jock douche, into a full blown, ass tappin super douche. If it wasn't for the good old NCST, I don't think I could have ever received this award. There, I was able to focus on bringing out the inner douche within. I guess it was the people there, really, that allowed me to do this. After all, when I started at NC St, I was a little fish in a big pond, competing with mega douches from all around the country. If I wanted to be the king of kings in that doucheland, I had to step up my game. Thankfully, I did. So here's one to you Wolfpack Nation!
Wolfpack Nation: Yeah! We love you too, Phil!
PR: Next on my list are the Jacksonville Jaguars. Thanks for handily whooping our asses. I mean, if I had thrown 3 TD passes and no INT's, would I have gotten this award? I think not! Thanks to your stifling defense, I really sucked ass, which in turn gave me the opportunity to receive this awesome accolade. Thanks!
Jags: No problem, Phil. Anytime you need us to deliver another smackdown on your candy ass, just call us. We'll be there. God bless you, man.
PR: No Problem, and God bless you too! Finally, there is one more person left on my list that I need to thank. We've had our ups and downs, but he still has a special place in my heart. LaDanian, come up here and accept this award with me!
LT: Nah man, I'm cool.
PR: No man, don't worry, it's cool! Security said they'll let you come up. Don't be shy!
LT: Nah man, really, it's cool.
PR: Aww c'mon, LT! Just come up! I thought we were like this. (crosses fingers)
LT: Nah man, we ain't. I'm just gonna get myself up out of here now. (Leaves)
PR: Hey man! What are you doing?!?! YOU DON'T WALK AWAY FROM PHILLIP RIVERS. NO ONE DOES. COME BACK HERE I SAY! COME BACK!
Audience looks shocked.
PR: Oh, my bad guys. It's just been a pretty crazy week. My future plans include building up my douchiness to super levels. Maybe I can even make it to Zach Braff status. But yeah, that concludes my speech. I'd just like to thank everyone who supported me and if I didn't call out your name, then just know you still have a place in my heart. Except LT, that guy is a total douche.
2 comments:
That was the best thing I've read all year.
Thank you for posting this. Journalism at its best.
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