Mystery the Pick Up Artist Presents the 'Mystery Douche of the Week/Month' Award

"Here's a tip you: black nail polish brings in the ladies like moths to a lightbulb."

Hi everyone, Mystery is here on The Play in CA. When the blog asked me to make a post, I thought to myself, why the hell would I do that? Sports are very manly, and from my own experience, acting manly gets you no where with women. Just look at me. Do I look anything like a an athlete to you? No. Instead, I choose to dress like a skanky DJ at the newest gay bar this side of West Hollywood, and let me tell you something, two minutes ago, I totally scored with this hottie that I was able to pick up in the women's section of Hollister. Nothing is sexier to women than a guy who knows how to wear a cowboy hat and headphones.

"Why are you here then?" you may be asking. Well, it's quite simple. After opening many different "sets" (conversations for you uneducated, sex starved simpletons), my opening topics are starting to run dry. I think women may be catching on to my ways, those sneaky little whores. That's why I'm trying to expand my experiences, so I can open up a whole new world of conversation. I can't talk about fake fights that happened outside all the time. I need to start broadening my knowledge, because females are smarter than I anticipated. That's why have to catch up with current events. CNN, ESPN, Nickelodeon, you name it. This sports blog is just one of the many resources I intend to pull from.

I suppose if this experiment doesn't work, then I can just always go back to using my classic "negs" (negative comments), because even though there are tons of women who are getting smarter by the minute, there will ALWAYS be tons of women who have low enough self esteem to where insulting is actually attractive to them. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

Some of you readers may be wondering, though, why are you presenting a 'Douche of the Week/Month' award? Isn't that a bad thing? Well, let me tell you something Mr. I Don't Get Laid as Often as Mystery, women like douchebags. Take me for example. Do you think I actually enjoy wearing top hats and all this sissy jewelery? Hell no. Do you think I like to insult women and act like a total dick at clubs? Nope. But don't you notice the hottest chick in the bar is always with a total douche? Well guess what that chick is at the bar, and she's here with me. If being the biggest douche in the universe means I'm going to get laid, then so be it, because I'm just that desperate. It make look dickish, but women like that stuff. That's why my methods work. Well my methods don't work on real women. You know, a girl with confidence, values, and morals, but who the hell wants that anyway? Not me. A girl with a brain is not the type of chick I want.

So here I am, ready to present to you the Mystery Douche of the Week.......Phillip Rivers!

Two pics, a loss to the Jags, and bitching about every play makes you the douche of the week. Now that you're such a big douche, you'll be able to bang any girl out there with a tramp stamp. Congratulations.