Jim Harbaugh, Before the Game

"Huskies, more like the Suckskies. Haha! I made a funny."

Fuck yeah! What has two thumbs and is totally ready to kick some Washington ass this Saturday?

Points his two thumbs to himself.

This guy, that’s what. Man, that line was awesome. I wish someone was here right now so they could give me a high five. Damnit! Where is my boy Pritchard when I need him? Kid throws a game winning touchdown, and all of a sudden he becomes too busy getting poon to give old Jimmy a high five. Maybe Kimble is up for the task.

Looks around and sees that his office is empty.

Fuck! No one is around! Oh, wait, I have an awesome idea.

Goes to the bathroom and stands in front of a mirror. High fives his reflection.

That’s better! Screw Pritchard, I don’t need his high fives. A Harbaugh to Harbaugh connection is the only way to do high fives around here. I’m so awesome. Wait, how can I top that? I know!

Gives a high ten to his reflection.

Right on man! And might I add that you’re looking mighty fine today. Of course you’re only the second most attractive guy in this room right now. A Jim Harbaugh reflection pales in comparison to the real deal. All right handsome, I’ll catch you later.

Walks back to the office.

Okay, so time to start planning out what strategies I should bust out against the Huskies. Hmm. Should I concentrate on small conservative passes…. how should I stop… well the Huskies have a great … is Kimble ready for…. should I set up some screen passes for…. Fuck! Why is this coaching stuff so damn confusing?? Ditka never made things this difficult when I was with the Bears and he was coaching me. In fact, he never told me anything. I just used to go out there and do my thing. Only losers get told what to do, and I’m no loser. I’m Jim Harbaugh, passing icon of the 90’s. Kids don’t remember Marino or Young when they think of the 90’s; they only remember one name, Captain Mother Fuckin’ Comeback.

Actually, I think that’s what I’ll just tell Tavita to do. I’ll let the kid go crazy. He can choose the plays and the calls to make. If he’s anything like me, by the end of the game, he’ll have lead Stanford to a glorious comeback in which we were down 71 pts, because that’s the kind of shit that I did in the NFL.

Man, I don’t even know why we’re playing a game this Saturday. I don’t think the Cardinal has anything else to prove. We beat USC. As I recall, I said USC was the greatest team in college history, and guess what, turd nuggets? We beat them. Therefore, that makes us the greatest team in college history. Where’s my fucking trophy for that accomplishment? I saw the trophy that people get for winning the BCS National Championship. A football shaped crystal. Big fucking deal. For being the greatest team in college history, I think they should make a giant statue, of me, with a cape on, and the words “Greatest Coach in History….Fuck Yeah!” engraved in the center. It should be huge too, probably taking up most of East Palo Alto. They say the only man made object you can see from space is the Great Wall of China. Well, if they made this statue, it would be the only thing that you could touch from space. Only something that huge can represent my coaching brilliance.

I hear the guy that is coaching Washington is looking forward to this game. Apparently he used to work here, but we all know the real reason why he’s looking forward to this game. At the end of the game, after we win 73-71 by scoring 73 points in the fourth quarter, he gets to shake my hand. That’s right, he gets to shake hands with a demi god. Maybe if he’s lucky, some of my coaching superpowers will transfer to him. I hope it doesn’t though. His body won’t be able to handle the power of my greatness. I’m pretty sure his head would explode, and that would totally suck because blood stains are hard to get off.

Man all this strategizing has really pooped me out. Time to hit the sofa for a nap. Maybe I’ll have a dream. Usually, I dream about me lying in bed with all the rich Stanford moms by my side. Oh wait, that’s a typical Thursday for me. You know why? Because I’m Jim Mother Fuckin’ Harbaugh. Get it? Hahaha, time to give myself another high five.

Tomorrow... Joe Torre in Escape from New York, Entering Los Angeles