"Ooooh, hot, tut, tut, tut.."Hope everyone had tons of food. All that turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes probably meant tons of time on the crapper. That's okay though, now you have enough poo to make a year's supply of jenkem.
Since I myself am out in Europe spending the most American holiday ever in the most un-American place in the world, my posts have been rather half assed. This explains all the youtube posts, though that Phillip Rivers / Mystery post was made from pure blood and sweat. Today is not different, as I will pull a treasure from my days as a staff writer on my high school newspaper. Yeah, its lame, but you're probably on the crapper as we speak, so guess nothing else you do can be shittier! (Get it? What a classic pun!) Enjoy the holiday week and watch out for those soccer moms trying to get their kids a Wii. They'll kill you. No seriously, they will.
My article from high school about why Thanksgiving isn't that grand:
If Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, and Halloween is the scariest time of the year, then what is Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving, is simply the biggest time wasting, money squandering, “no one really gives thanks anymore” holiday of the year. There is nothing really that Thanksgiving offers except the killing of about half the turkeys in the United States. The day itself is a day of poorly planned entertainment. The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade is a joke. Who in the world wants to wake up at seven o’ clock in the morning to watch a bunch of useless balloons fly around New York? Some people argue that the parade symbolizes celebration, but what the parade is really about is a bunch of greedy corporations trying to promote their stores with pretty colors and hot air. Also, the parade gets boring because the balloons all look the same. The so-called wonderful, symbolic event can be summed up in three words by senior Keith Thrift, “The parade sucks.” Sleeping in is probably a better option, because the day requires a lot of digestive and emotional energy.
Then there are the football games. Actually, they are more like blowouts, because the teams who normally play opponents on Thanksgiving (the Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys) are two of the worst teams in the NFL. If there is going to be any scoring, it’s going to be by the other team. It may be entertaining watching the Lions lose by thirty points. So much for “America’s” teams… Then there is the absolute worst part of Thanksgiving, the dinner. The horrible torture of greeting those annoying relatives that just won’t go away, as well as my pesky cousin. At first, there are the usual reluctant hellos and phony smiles and “glad to see you’s” (which are far from true). There are also the infamous aunt and uncle comments that one must succumb to such as “Look how tall you’ve grown” and “My you’re getting so big.” These comments are as false as Michael Jackson’s nose. Then, there is the traditional dinner with a nice family “conversation.” The word conversation is misleading though because it is really criticizing, bickering, and the occasional comparing of children. Rarely are there peaceful dinners with relatives. “All the family talks about is drama that happened five years ago,” said senior Eric Simpson. Yet, it’s understandable, because what is there to talk about…the parade? (That subject has already been explained.)
In the end, the real meaning of Thanksgiving is never appreciated. It should be a holiday about family togetherness and being thankful. However, nowadays, it’s more about the near extinction of turkeys, wasted helium, and being thankful when it’s over.
(Damn I was an even more god awful writer back then than I am today)
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