Kobe Bryant Is Here To Tell You His Summer Plans

Hey America,

It’s your favorite baller, Kobe Bryant, here to give you an update on what I’ve been upto after I got the Lakers to the championship.

Things have been relatively calm in the house of Bryant after I got my ring. You probably think that Kobe Bryant lives life in the fast lane all the time, but you could not be more mistaken my friend. All those stories about me partying, cruising down the streets of Hollywood with celebrities, that’s just a bunch of fabricated news stories that trashy celebrity websites like TMZ or CNN make up. No sir, don’t always believe what you read on the internet, Kobe Bryant is here to tell you that he’s just a normal guy like you or Joe 6-pack, trying to make a decent living for himself. I’m as average and American as apple pie.

Guy walks by.

Excuse me for a moment, there’s something I must attend to.

That’s better. Anyway where was I? Oh yes, my summer plans. Well so far, I haven’t really done much. I think a usually summer day for me starts off with a nice breakfast, eggs and bacon, you know the normal stuff. Then, I rest for a little bit, and then I start the training. A good jog usually does it for me. Gotta keep up that cardio to keep in shape, you know. And then-

Dog runs by.

Oh man, not again. Excuse me once more.

Elbows dog in the face.

That’s better. Sorry about that folks, it’s hard for me to concentrate with all these distractions around! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so after my jog, I then hit the courts for a few hours. I practice on everything, my jump shot, my dribbling skills, my rebounding, everything. And I do it 100 percent. You don’t get a championship without practice. Remember that kids. Then-

Shannon Brown walks by.

‘Hey Kobe.’

‘Hey, what the hell man?’

What the hell what, Shannon.

‘Dude you totally elbowed me in the face!’

So?

‘What do you mean so?’

I mean, what’s the big deal?

‘You really don’t know? Dude you can’t just elbow people in the face when you please.’

I can’t??

‘Yeah man, it hurts. It’s totally disrespectful too.’

Hmm…. you know what Shannon, you’re right. I always thought elbowing people in the face was an American past time, that people enjoy it as much as I do. And I’m sure they do. But what I didn’t realize was that maybe there’s something else on the other side of that elbow. Maybe there’s a human being on that other side, and maybe he or she doesn’t enjoy receiving that elbow I so forcefully drove into their cranium.

Wow Shannon, I’m really glad you pointed that out, I’ve learned a lot from this conversation. I admit, I’m not perfect. I’m a human being that makes mistakes. But I feel everyday I’m growing, as a father, as a leader, as a man. Now, I’m going to think long and hard before I dare throw an elbow, because I now realize it’s the wrong thing to-


‘GODDAMNNIT KOBE!!!!’

Eh, I am what I am.

Nostalgia Friday: Alt Rock

Back in the mid 90’s, my musical taste was rather limited. It mainly consisted of what was on the radio, Green Day, and the Goo Goo Dolls. Yes, you read right, the Goo Goo Dolls. After admitting that, any musical cred I previously had probably went down the drain. Actually, come to think of it, I still listen to the Goo Goo Dolls. Okay, NOW any musical cred I have is officially down the drain.

Now that my musical tastes have matured just a wee bit (and I mean that in the most ironic of terms) I can now reflect back on the magical era of nine-o and appreciate some of the great alternative rock that came out.

Alternative rock is a curious genre. It’s not quite rock your socks off rock like it’s predecessors in the 80’s, but also not quite as depressing as the grunge that came out in the early 90’s. I made you want to kick ass while feeling slightly suicidal, a mixture of two extremes from the previous time eras. It rocked hard, but was kind of depressing. Actually, a lot of alt rock was depressing, and still is. Sad lyrics, deep thoughts, and a lot of whining about the ladies. Alt rock was like the emo of the 90’s, the only difference being that members of an alt band weren’t pussies. They actually had hard riffs and talent. Instead of seeing a Dashboard Confessionals asshole singing on stage, you got to see people on stage who rocked the fuck out.

A lot of music came from this genre, music I now wish I would have appreciated back then instead of today, but then again I can’t really be too hard on myself, I was only 10 back then.



I wasn’t aware that this song was made in 1985 for a while, but if you didn’t know, you would have thought it came straight from some post-grunge, Seattle angst band. Instead, Dramarama belted out this bad ass song like a bad relationship that threw the chair out the window. Or like the verbal vomit I just spat out. All you hear is desperation in the song, from the changes in chords to the howling yet whiny lyrics. The song takes you for a ride, on the edge of tumultuous times with a lover. The end result is plain awesome.

Then Dramarama became a political band. Poopy.



Melancholy at it’s hardest. Feel the Pain is a bi-polar tour de force in music, with tempo changes that make my head spin. At first, the song seems like a Collective Soul track, but thirty times more depressing. Then, out of no where, the rush picks up and you’re left with clean mini solos that break up all the monotony of the steady verses. When it’s over, you feel like you’ve been on a Prozac induced joy ride. (And ignore the Rock Band video part of it, this was the cleanest version I could find on Youtube).



I’m not sure if HUM qualifies as alt rock, because wikipedia dubs them as ‘space rock.’ I’m guessing space rock paved the way for bands like Finch, At the Drive In, and Thursday, but I would like to say HUM has some alt rock. Basically, mix in ladies with planets and stars, add some minor chords, and boom, you have a recipe for an alt (space) rock favorite.



Garbage was alt rock before they got more and more ‘European’, which is ironic considering three of their members are from Green Bay. Oh, and Shirley Manson is hot, and I’ve had some beers while writing this, so I’m just throwing it in.

I had more songs on this list, but I felt that any other writing would have sounded too forced, so for now, these songs make things all gravy. I know it ain’t sports, but I like it.

Yeah, Wrestling and Basketball Don't Mix

‘IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK IS……’

Um, am I interrupting something…

The Rock: Carmelo Anthony? What are you doing here? We have an episode of Raw to film today.

Melo: The Rock, what are YOU doing here? We have a game today, and I also thought you quit wrestling to make movies.

The Rock: Yeah well, that career plan didn’t pan out so well. Did you see Race to Witch Mountain?

Melo: No.

The Rock: Yeah, well that’s why I’m back to wrestling.

Melo: I see. Well anyway, we have to work something else. Obviously, there’s a scheduling conflict, and we both can’t…

HOLD ON RIGHT THERE

The Rock: Aww shit, you better hide Melo before it’s too late…



Vince McMahon: Well, well, well, what do we have here? A little dilemma no doubt involving two of the biggest sports companies in the world, the NBA, and my very own World Wrestling Federation. It seems we have a little booking problem, but me and Kroenke sports made a compromise. Instead of delaying Raw or the upcoming Lakers-Nuggets game, we decided to…………….. host both events at the same time!

The Rock: What?

Melo: What?

Chris Anderson: Say what, homeboy?

Melo: God damnit Chris! You only come out of the bus when I tell you to. Now go make me a ham sandwich. Shiet.

The Rock: I used to have the same exact problem with the Road Dogg.

Vince McMahon: Anyway, this is a stupendous idea, great, marvelous! Imagine two of America’s hottest commodities finally joining forces to provide entertainment to the masses. This is what I always envisioned, five minutes ago!

May 25th….

Announcer: Martin steals the ball from Odom, and he’s all alone!! He’s going for the break away slam dunk! But wait, what’s this? Someone is coming onto the court…


Announcer: Ow! Chair shot right into Martin’s face, and the ball has flown out of bounds. It’s not over yet though folks, it looks like The Undertaker is setting Martin for someone to throw the People’s Elbow…

Kobe: Did someone say Elbow?!?!?!

Hi, My Name Is Kobe Bryant, And Today I Would Like To Elbow You In The Face

Hi America,

I’m Kobe Bryant, super star basketball from the Los Angeles Lakers. You know, throughout my life, people have always asked me what I really enjoy to do with all my hours. What is my passion, the drive that keeps me alive, the thing that keeps me going everyday? Most people probably think it’s my wife, or my kids, or even basketball. Well, I’m sorry to inform you that most people are wrong. Yes, you heard right. At the end of the day, basketball, love, and money don’t matter if I can’t do what I truly love which is…

…elbowing people in the face.

Yes sir, after a hard days work at the courts, the only thing I really like to do is pour myself a glass of merlot, turn the TV on, plop myself on my nice plush couch, and start elbowing the night away. I pretty much like to elbow anything in sight, my lamp, my car, Mike Bibby, anything that comes my way.


I guess it all started when I was wee little boy at elementary school. One day I was playing basketball with some friends. I had just broken away with a steal and the only person guarding me was my friend Todd. As I drove hard for the easy layup, I noticed there was something wrong with Todd’s cheek. In the few milliseconds I had before the layup was complete, I took a quick look.

Why, it was perfectly clean, no bruises or anything! Then, at that moment, something inside of me ripped to my brain. For some reason, I don’t know why, I lost my sense of control. I remember it quite clearly, my elbow began to swing. I saw it move towards Todd’s face and you know what, I didn’t fight it.

And in a flash, it happened. BAM! Two points, and Todd was on the ground bleeding from the mouth. The other kids quickly ran to Todd to console him and some other kids ran to me to ask me, “what the fuck, man!” I just simple smiled, said “that’s part of the game,” and trotted away, like I do today. And you know what, after it was all over, I felt great about myself. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it was the fact that I scored, maybe it was the fact that I let Todd know no one can defend me, maybe it was the fact that I got away with it. All I knew is, right there and then, I found my calling in life.

And now, I get to do it for a living. Sure, I have to score some points and maybe get some assists here and there, but what really drives me on the court is when I see a defender with a nice, clean face and I get to plant one of these pointy elbows right into their temple. I even gave them names, Sherry and Dr. Pain.

And now, thanks to my influence, my teammates have found the Zen to elbowing. Just ask Luis Scola.



Ahh, nothing makes me happier than seeing an Argentinean eat one. Really makes me feel like I’m making a difference in the world.

The City of San Jose Congratulates You, Anaheim Ducks

Dearest City of Anaheim,

The city of San Jose would first like to congratulate you on your playoff victory over our beloved Sharks. Coming into the series, you were a tremendous underdog, and we respect that. A lot of people had us going far far far into the NHL playoffs, but your skill, determination, and moxie allowed you to push yourselves past us. As we sit on the sidelines and heal our bruised egos from this crushing loss, we must say we salute you Anaheim, job well done.

San Jose is not unfamiliar with playoff upsets either. In the early days of our beloved Sharks’ NHL existence, we have ousted the likes of Detroit and Calgary in first round upsets. We too know how its like to be the lowest rung in the NHL playoff ladder only to slowly topple the Goliaths, Mike Tysons, Houston Universities, and Michigans of our fair sport. Just like you, we have been David, we have been North Carolina State and Appalachian State, we have been Buster Douglass. It’s no easy feat to face overwhelming odds, but we know of the victory you feel tonight. Good for you.

And with those last words, the City of San Jose only has one thing left to say to you, Anaheim. Fuck you. Fuck you long and hard, tall and wide, thin and short. You think being the Cinderella is cute, that people love the underdog? Well guess what, the Silicon Valley loves that shit, but only when it happens to us, you So Cal pussbags.

And now, the City of San Jose presents to you, City of Anaheim, the destruction of everything you hold dear. Let’s begin.

Fuck the City of Anaheim and everything that comes with it. Fuck the Ducks. It’s real great to know that your team is based off a third rate sports movie starring Emilio Estevez, the lesser talented one of the dreaded Sheen brothers. The first one was okay, the second one was plausible, but the third one was just unnecessary. A team goes from winning the Olympics to being Junior Varsity at a prep school? WTF? And what the hell happened to Jesse Hall in the third one, that kid was bad ass.

Fuck any sports teams associated with Anaheim, mainly the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Choose a city for Christ’s sakes. Lose the Anaheim off the name, it makes the Angels sound like they’re some retarded offspring that was banished from Los Angeles and forced to represent a far more inferior So Cal city. Oh, and John Lackey is on my fantasy team right now, and that guy blows.

Fuck California Adventures. Who came up with that idea anyway? Replicating the Golden Gate Bridge, Hollywood, and Yosemite sounds like a great idea for a theme park if they weren’t, you know, only a few hours away. I can’t wait for the next theme park to grace Anaheim: Anaheim Adventures.

And fuck you for the fact that you just call yourselves the Ducks. What happened to the word “Mighty”? (I have been informed the ‘mighty’ was dropped after it was sold to Henry Samueli. Well I have to inform him that he’s also an ass.)

Fuck the Honda Center. I liked it better when it was called the Arrowhead Pond, you sellouts. Oh, so you say we’re the sellouts for changing our sponsor every few years. Well you have a good point, Anaheim, but I have a better one: you’re assholes. San Jose 1, Anaheim 0.

Oh, and on that point, fuck Honda. I drive a Honda Accord 1996, and guess what, it’s a piece of shit. The doors won’t lock and the driver side window is stuck, and you know who I blame it on, you City of Anaheim.

And lastly, fuck Disneyland. There, I said it, what now.

And fuck Downtown Disney. Yeah, you guys have a ESPN Zone, Rainforest Café, and the Disney Monorail there, but do you have the……um………..hm…….. Tiki Lounge? Uh, yeah, that’s what I thought.

In short, once again the City of San Jose would like to say congratulations to the Ducks...... but also a hearty fuck you. In the words of the great Clint Eastwood: “I'll blow a hole in your face then go inside and sleep like a baby.” We know it has nothing to do with hockey, but it’s pretty bad ass.

Sincerely,

The Silicon Valley

Shark Fans Who Are Band Wagons and the Art of Being Truly Dedicated, Again

Today, an interesting happened today. No, it was not writing this post, even though it was good to write something down after a week and a half long absence. It occurred when I was on facebook. I’m not really on facebook that much, I just mainly use it to pimp out my articles and see what friends are up to once in a while. I decided to give up that whole status update a long time ago after I realized status updates show: a) people aren’t that insightful b) people aren’t that interesting and c) if you tell them point a) or b) they’ll probably think your some pretentious twit even though they are the ones who are pretentious because they think they’re so absorbed in their self importance that they find it offensive you don’t think they’re just not that interest. Ugh, facebook has created a generation of big headed ninnies.

Anyway, the interesting thing I noticed was…. where the hell did all these hockey fans come from?? Every single status update I saw was something complaining about how the Shark’s blew it yesterday. I’m from San Jose, so naturally, a lot of my friends are from the area. However, as I recall, most of them don’t really have a strong hockey acumen. I doubt if they’ve even seen a Shark’s game in its entirety. Hell, I even doubt any of them saw YESTERDAY’S game in its entirety. Yet, I’m sure they did quick check on ESPN.com, saw the Shark’s lost, and then bam, the flood of facebook statuses came out. Or even worse, maybe they didn’t even check the score, maybe they just saw on other people’s statuses that the Sharks lost and they hopped on the comment bandwagon just like they hopped on the Sharks playoff bandwagon.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against rooting for a team if you’re not a die hard fan. There’s nothing wrong with it. You do it, I do it, we all do it. I’m certainly rooting for the Shark’s to win it all, even though, admittedly I haven’t watched a single Sharks game all season. However, the difference between me and so called bandwagons is, sure I’ll root, but I’m not going to sit and complain about the Sharks or act like I’m the biggest fan ever when in fact, I know I’m not. I’ll be sad about the Sharks losing, but I won’t be angry. You know why? Because I’m a fair weather hockey fan, not a die hard one, and only die hard ones get mad about it. I’m not die hard, and neither are most of the people who are moping about it as we speak. Instead, I’ll just say “that’s too bad” then concentrate on teams that are really important to me like the Cal Golden Bears, and the Kansas City Chiefs. (Yeah, I get crap for that too, so don’t bother).

And I definitely won’t take the time to update my stinkin’ facebook status either.

I also would like to point out that even though I admit I’m not a die hard fan, I’m probably more die hard than the so called “die hard” fans I’ve been observing. I can remember the time when I was really into hockey (after the Mighty Duck movies came out) and I followed the Sharks’ miraculous first round upsets against powerhouses Detroit and Calgary. I remember when Irbe was our man, and Friesen was the young rookie. So suck on that.

Last year, I wrote an article about Laker fans and how there was a growing trend of bandwagonry in So Cal. I’m going to go on a limb now and say that this trend is also true for the bay. It is because of all this Shark hooplah that’s been surfacing? No, it’s because of the lack of hoopla for another team that was on the gaining momentum: the Warriors. Remember this?


Where are all the “We Believe” t-shirts now? Probably on the bottom of a pile of dirty rags after it was used to dry up someone’s car. It’s such a shame for real Warrior fans. You may think its rather snobby, but think about logistics. Imagine if you were so dedicated to a team that you watched every single game, knew every single player, and understood every single play, while they stunk. You stuck by them through all the hard times. Now your team finally makes the playoffs, and you’re so excited to get tickets, only to see that all the tickets are gone thanks to a bunch of 5 minute fan cronies sporting their “We Believe” t-shirt. Yeah, I would be pissed to.

In short, the point of this article is not to chastise people for rooting for a particular team, just to chastise people for all the over reaction for something they don’t really care about. In the end, if the Sharks lost, it’s not the end of the world for most of you, but for some people it is, and you will never understand why that is until you earn your fan stripes just like they did.

We're Jumping the Shark! (Format Changes)

It’s been quite a while since anything has been posted here on The Play in California. For those readers who have been wondering what the hell has been going on and why we haven’t posted in probably 3 weeks, the reason is simple: lack of passion. Lately, I’ve felt that I’ve been some what tied down to the format that this blog presents. It’s tough to only write about all sports in California when the only two sports you care about is college basketball and football. It’s even harder to make anything worth reading when all your posts are half assed.

Thus, there’s going to be a bit of a shake up in the future of this website. I plan writing some new posts starting this week, but there will be several changes.

1) We'll still have our California focus (since it's kind of hard not too, coming from the Bay Area and all), but the scope will sometimes go outside the Golden State. We'll also cover random topics in the world of gaming and entertainment, since I like that stuff.
2) It’s going to focus mainly on football and college basketball
3) Since Ace of Spades is a baseball fan, you might get some baseball stuff snuck in there once in a while
4) Nostalgia Fridays will still be in tact
5) As will Youtube Sundays
6) For laziness sake though, it’s still going to be called The Play in California
7) There’s going to be a mix of short posts and long posts
8) There’s also going to be much more off topic stuff if it’s worth the trouble to post it
9) Posts won’t be up every day. Expect more like once every few days.

So that’s that. And now, a gratuitous photo of Kate Beckinsale. Enjoy.

And for the ladies (and newly acquired Raiders QB Jeff Garcia, this guy):